Things that need to happen in Television

• An accurate portrayal of a parents reaction when kids make a mess in a commercial.
  ” you are the reason daddy and I are getting a DIVORCE”
  
  
• Regular people as the commenters for gymnastic competitions
  
  

  “WHAT THE FUCK ARE THESE CHILDREN DOING?!”

• A proper response to some random Redhead commenting on your lunch decisions
  
  Okay…stay out of my business you smug bitch. I can’t afford to eat out for every meal.
• An accurate depiction of a poor person’s home in a big city.
  
  “ I’m so poor I only have a two bedroom apartment” you liar. You live in a studio and some months you have to let your landlord watch you shave your legs to get an extra week to get rent together.

Terrible Girl Story Time: The Night I Was A Dick Bag at a Bachelorette Party

The essence of my personality is that I am a terrible girl. I derive great joy from doing things that normal people wouldn’t: singing Kid Rock karaoke, Stealing things from parties, Bathroom graffiti extraordinaire, Sticking my hands in the food and beverage of friends, bringing whistles to bars and blowing them until someone with authority asks me to stop/leave, approaching DJs about plugging my phone into their computers, trying to flip over beer pong tables when I lose, opening up the car doors of strangers when they make out in parking lots.

I am awful and I know that. Part of me is a little embarrassed but most of me thinks I am a hoot and a half. One time that I MAY have gone slightly overboard was at the bachelorette party of a fringe friend. (A fringe friend is a friend that is either a friend of a close friend or a friend that you see a lot for a week and then not again until months later.) Like the rest of the horrible things I have done, this started out with good intentions and bad alcohol.

A bunch of semi-strangers and I piled into a small hotel room where we passed around naughty gifts and booze for the bride-to-be. We drank Cooks, Korbel, and maybe one bottle of champagne that didn’t taste like Splenda-beer. By the time we got packed into the stretch-Hummer and headed out to the bars everyone was pretty drunk. Minutes into the bachelorette party one of the bridesmaids decided that it was time to stop maintaining. “Where is Becca” everyone asked. I dutifully pointed to the bathroom and continued down the rabbit hole. I wasn’t the one vomiting in the bathroom, there was no reason for me to stop having a good time.

A few shots later my altruistic side took hold and volunteered to escort the burdenmaid back to the hotel room so that none of the bride’s close friends would have to abandon her on her last night of freedom. I dragged her sorry ass into the white monstrosity and back to the hotel room. Feeling that I was owed something for my act of kindness, I opened the limo champagne and drank most of the bottle before making it back to the hotel. The rest I drank while standing outside of the limo in the parking lot while “Becca” hung half-in, half-out of the back.  Once upstairs she fell out on the bed and, like a good friend, I put an ice bucket next to the bed for her to vomit in.

Once I decided she wasn’t going to die I struck out to the hotel pool to bum a cigarette from the lesbian pool lady. Carol and I chain-smoked menthols like it was our job before I decided it was time to check on my kinda friend to make sure she had not gone the way of Jimi Hendrix. She hadn’t but she had emptied the contents of her stomach into the brown bucket.

This marks the first point in the night where I truly acted like an asshole. I picked up the ice bucket-o-bile and prepared to dump it down the toilet. Suddenly I thought to myself, ” what if the toilet water splashes back in my face?” That two seconds of doubt was all I needed to convince me to dump the barf bucket into the bathtub. This was not the last time she filled the ice bucket and it was not the last time I threw it in the dry tub.

When she fell asleep I looked at the clock. It was- no joke- 10 p.m. This was the second time that night that I acted like an asshole. I turned on the TV and realized that all the champagne had been chugged by the sorority girls that I started my night with. Seeing no alternative, I cracked into the mini-bar.

I wouldn’t be the first drunk girl to raid someone else’s mini-bar. I probably wasn’t even the first person to raid the mini-bar on that floor that very night. But I might have been the only one that wandered into the adjoining room after clearing out the aforementioned mini-bar.

It was then that I noticed the bed decorated in condoms and dick balloons. I can’t tell you why, but for some reason I ran and belly flopped onto the bed. No, not onto the bed, onto the balloons. All of the balloons. Dick ballons? poped em. Adorable pregnancy tests? I opened them.  I flailed around for a few minutes before ultimately deciding I was tired and wandering back to the other side.

I was pretty sure that I was sober enough to meet back up with everyone so I sat on the bed and waited  for someone to tell me where to go. Eight hours later I woke up to people sleeping all around the bed in which I was spread eagling.  Slowly they started waking and everyone was horrified to see the once cute display shredded on the ground. “ WHY IS THE BATHTUB FULL OF VOMIT?” someone screamed.

Because I am honest, and honorable I told everyone what I had done. Also I was still drunk.  Everyone kind of starred at me and someone finally blurted out, “you’re kind of an asshole”
And they were right…I kinda am.

Fake Press Releases that could be real

Dr. Anastasia Beaverhousen
Phone: 918-867-5309
Email: WTscienceblog@gmail.com

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE                                                              September 20, 2014

CASEY AFFLECK STRUGGLES TO WAKE UP FOR THE FIRST FUCKING TIME IN HIS DAMN LIFE

NEW YORK CITY, New York—In early September, 2014 Casey Affleck announced that he would be attempting to wake all the way up for the first time since his appearance in Good Will Hunting. Affleck announced this decision after being passed over for several movie roles in favor of actors who “weren’t constantly waking up from a nap”.

“I’m really excited to finally get up and get moving. I’ve been up on and off for the past seventeen years but I’ve just had so much free time, ” yawned Affleck. “I’m planning on making the change sometime next week. I would do it right now but I’m just really tired”.

Casey has starred in a handful of movies in his career. He has gained notoriety for his roles in Drowning Mona and absolutely nothing else.

“I don’t really know much about it honestly,” said Affleck’s agent when asked about the news. “I’ve been trying to call him and talk to him about it but it’s hard to get him at a good time. When he does get up I think he can take on a lot more roles. I mean, he’s got so much free time.”

For more information call Dr. Anastasia Beaverhousen at 918-867-5309.

###

***the only one of Affleck’s costars available for comment, Neve Campbell, had this to say: “Who? Is that Ben Affleck’s brother?”

Hey Ladies, Don’t let TV make you awful

The following is not an indictment of women, but rather a wagging finger at the way women in relationships are portrayed on television.

Why do TV shows that are directed at women make them believe it is okay to be terrible? By and large most women are not awful people. Though at some point in a relationship it is likely that you’ll scream at your partner or be insanely irrational, you’ll probably also realize it or at least you won’t make a habit of it. If throwing fits in public or pointing fingers at your innocent boyfriend is something you make a habit of, rest assured you won’t have a boyfriend for very long.

Unless you’re Carrie Bradshaw. Or Hannah Horvath. Or any character on any show on the CW. At some point all of these ladies have thrown shown up at their lover’s door with tears in their eyes to tell them that they just want to be loved and appreciated. Nine times out of 10 the man has no idea that there is a problem in their relationship until they have to usher their girlfriend inside to prevent the scene from escalating in public. The woman gives a speech and leaves in a huff, staring out their window, wondering why he hasn’t called.

Well obviously he hasn’t called because you just threw a huge fucking fit on his doorstep because you’re insecure. That is not a normal thing to do. He’s probably pissed off because he got excited when you showed up unexpectedly. He was probably thinking “ Oh my god she’s finally being more spontaneous and we are going to get real dirty in the middle of the day”. SURPRISE no you’re not. Instead of making him happy you’re going to tell him that he’s disappointed you and that he has failed to make you comfortable in your relationship. So much so that you felt you had no other recourse but to show up at his house in the middle of the day crying.

A normal man is either going to want to give you space because they honestly feel bad that they upset you so much or just assume you’re batshit crazy and refuse to feed into your delusions. But these TV guys are more than willing to make that gesture. They call and they admit they are wrong. Big will inevitably show up at Carrie’s door, tail between his legs. Hannah will have some insanely attractive ( or just insane) man telling her she is everything. Every guy on the CW will show up in a boat or at a ball or end up getting shot because the CW is a joke of a network.

This won’t happen to you. If you act like these women you’re gonna have a bad time.

In short if you’re going to get inspired by these dramedy series, fall in love with the clothes or the slightly jaded bitchy character. Or the loser poor guy that is attractive and funny. In your heart of hearts you know they are needy and terrible if you follow their lead you will be too.

Why Every Funny Girl Should Watch the Movie Funny Girl

 

“That’s me I just keep them in stitches, doubled in half. And though I may be all wrong for the guy-I’m good for a laugh”

I remember being in college and feeling like actual trash when it came to matters of the heart. I was always good at hanging out with the guys, making them laugh. When someone I was attracted to would make a joke I’d joke back, sometimes trying to one up them but usually just trying to keep the conversation light. I’d keep ‘em in stitches but the girls that got the dates were the girls who giggled. Nothing in my life has ever caused me so much heartache as not having been born a girl who giggles.

You see the trouble is (let me speak briefly in absolutes and generalizations) that women are one-dimensional characters in American media and so it goes, American life. We can be smart, or pretty, or funny, or tough, or sensitive or so on and so on. Obviously, most people are not singularly any of these, but perception is reality and in our modern world the reality is you can only be “that funny girl”. Funny is an amazing trait, but its hard to grow into.

Every funny girl at some point in her life feels exactly like this so every funny girl has felt like Barbara Streisand in the movie Funny Girl. Unfortunately in 2014 not a lot of funny girls have seen this movie- but they should. So, let me tell you why and completely ruin the plot of the movie in the process.

1. Fanny Brice was a lady that stood out. Even in the start of the film she wanted to be a star. She competed with the buxom blondes. They had curves for days and little noses. She didn’t have the right body or the right look (or the ability to roller-skate) so she was unceremoniously kicked to the curb. She tried, unsuccessfully, to fit in with the chorus girls but it wasn’t until she embraced her inner ridiculousness that she became the main event and attracted the attention one Nicky Arnstein- man about town.
2. Being different is unpleasant sometimes. Mostly because people that are the same are assholes. People think they are being funny or cute when they are actually just being kinda dicks. No one expects that it bothers you because you’re known for being a little crass, a little out there. They don’t treat you with kid gloves. Unfortunately that means sometimes they’ll treat you with an iron fist. But don’t worry, it’s okay they’re “just kidding”. Some unfunny lady will make a “joke” at your expense one day about how you’re flat or you’re fat or something like that. When Fanny became the subject of some pretty harsh judgment to which she responded: “Is a nose with deviation such a crime against the nation?” You can feel a little lucky though I suppose, because odds are by the time you reach the age of majority you’ll have thick skin.
3. After making it big Fanny was expected once again to conform. They accepted the way she looked, acknowledged that she was talented and asked her to be beautiful. As many funny girls over 18 know, “beautiful” is not one of the words tops the list of your self-identifiers. That’s not to say you’re not confident. It’s just that after years of feeling like the girl that Taylor Swift pretends to be, you’ve realized your physical beauty isn’t what defines you. You’re smart or you’re driven and of course you’re funny, but you don’t feel comfortable playing the part of the belle of the ball. Neither did Fanny. In one of the best scenes in the movie Brice is both bold and vulnerable while admitting she’s no blushing bride. Instead, she carves her own path with ingenuity and humor.
4. A little known secret is that having a sense of humor doesn’t mean you don’t want traditional things. Some funny girls want to do the marriage and baby thing (terrible girls are a horse of a different color). If you’re hilarious you probably know that it is on occasion difficult to get people to take you seriously. Yeah you’re a little weird sometimes. You find yourself slipping in and out of accents without meaning to but you’re a person. Fanny fell in love once and she went for it, even when it meant maybe losing everything.
5. Everyone loses something. It may be a boyfriend, may be a crush, may be a friend. But the odds are pretty good that someone is going to tell you that you’re a zoot suit riot but they don’t want you. Suddenly the joke is on you. Fanny stands by her man through some pretty rough times (that I won’t ruin) but ultimately their relationship can’t weather the storm.  Like I alluded to before, he’s convinced the funny girl will emerge from the painful topic completely unscathed. In fact, it’s in this scene that Mr. Arstein flashes a smile and bids his wife adieu for the last time saying, “so long Funny Girl”. Thank God you’ve developed that thick skin and brave face (you’re gonna need it). You are very well equipped for the trials and tribulations of life. If absolutely nothing else, this is a powerful characteristic of the world’s strongest ladies. You’ll love, you’ll hate, and you’ll hurt sometimes all at the same time. But you’ll always laugh.

 

So long funny girl.

SOME FABRICATED CELEBRITY RUMORS THAT SOUND LIKE THEY COULD BE TRUE

In honor of Labor Day we have complied a list of fabricated celebrity rumors that answer the question ” what  do they do now?”. 

• After “voluntarily retiring” from the acting game Ethan Hawke has begun focusing his energy on teaching others the craft. Hawke is now an acting coach at a community center in LA where he forces students to perform scenes from his movies. He is known for interrupting scenes and subbing in to act out his parts. 
• Following the success of Zach Braff’s Kickstarter campaign to fund his movie “Wish I Was Here”, Katherine Heigl has initiated her own. The money will go to bankroll her pet project: a Lifetime movie about Reese Witherspoon. Heigl will play the titular character. 
• Kiely Williams, of 3WL fame, is the instructor of a very successful Zumba class in Atlanta.
  
• Andy Lawrence is an aspiring chalk artist and occasional Buzzfeed author. 

  “WHOA- that picture looks like it’s coming right out of the sidewalk”-Joey Lawrence

Criminal Minds is serial killing my life

I am really busy. I have reading to do, papers to write, miles to run, lunches to eat. A lot of stuff. Point is I got shit to do. 

It’s nearly impossible for me to get that stuff done though because Criminal Minds is always on TV, serial killing my productivity. How am I supposed to focus on any kind of readings when I see this sexy mug on my screen…

 

Or this one? 

Or this one? 

Everyone on that show is so damn attractive it’s nearly impossible to turn off the TV based on that fact alone. Criminal Minds is also a lot more than that though. It is the perfect amount of repetitive story line and surprise endings to tempt you to turn it on even if you’ve missed the first 15 or 45 minutes. Yeah you won’t know exactly what’s going on but once you see the kinda famous kid from that 90’s TV show you’ll immediately know who the “unsub” is. Also you really don’t need to see the first few minutes because they are probably just making inaccurate guesses about the killer’s mental state ” He’s probably a sadist”. Don’t worry he’s probably not actually a sadist, you haven’t missed the actual profile. 

Another way this show is ruining my life in the best way possible is because it is making me believe that I know a lot about psychology. As any avid watcher of Criminal Minds knows, every single crime inevitably ends in suicide by cop. There have been several occasions over the last few years when I was genuinely convinced that I could solve a crime just by hearing tidbits of information on the 10 o’clock news.

“Oh there’s a serial rapist? You’re going to need to be looking for a white man in his mid 30s whose mother has died within the past 6 months. Oh you don’t have that database at the Tulsa County Library? You don’t even work here? “

Needless to say I rarely know what I am talking about. Fortunately the risks associated with making guesses about the identity of local criminals are minimal. Where you (or really I) get into trouble is when you start making terrible assumptions about strangers based on a TV show about the FBI. Have I suggested to my friends before that someone we know probably has rage blackouts and abuses his girlfriend? Yes. Did I have any information to back it up? If you consider watching seasons 1-7 of Criminal Minds information than yes, yes I do. Otherwise, no and I am sorry for spreading that rumor. 

Criminal Minds is a fabulous show and, like so many other great things, is probably safe in moderation. In large quantities though it is more dangerous than Foyet and Frank combined.Tread softly fans, I know I won’t. 

Why it is okay that I don’t care for Scarlett Johansson ( and you don’t either)

The following is a very thinly veiled feminist rant.

I don’t like a lot of things. On more than one occasion I have been compared to the old men on the muppets that sit on the balcony and bitch about how awful the show is. I understand 100% when people disagree with me; I have some pretty controversial opinions and I am not afraid to make completely unsupported declarations. Here is a very brief list of examples:

1. No one on Sex and the City deserved love except for Stanford because they were all bad people.
2. No one like Pringles and anyone that says otherwise is only saying it for attention.
3. The DIxie Chicks version of Landslide is the best version of that song.
4. The two most recent Star Trek movies are the worst movies in history because the entire cast is just doing really bad impressions of the actors in the original series.

While these opinions usually don’t get me a lot of fans, they rarely lead to any real debate. The same cannot be said about when I admit that I don’t think that Scarlett Johansson is a good actress. After expressing this opinion I am almost always accused (by dudes)  of being jealous. I’ve been called a lot worse in my lifetime but here, that accusation is wholly without merit. Moreover, it is irritating because the implication is that I am incapable of suppressing the green eyed monster long enough to develop  an informed opinion.

So, why is it that I can’t I dislike Scarlett Johansson without being jealous? The worst thing I have ever said about her is that her only role involves staring at the camera with pursed lips. I have said much worse things about male celebrities, for example, Clint Eastwood ( satchel of gumbo) and Joaquin Phoenix (real life Beetlejuice). No one ever runs to their defense.  But SOMEHOW implying that Scarlett Johansson isn’t stellar is akin to calling a baby a smashed bag of assholes. People (usually men) seem to think that it is impossible for me to have a negative opinion about an attractive woman without it coming out of my own insecurity. Why can’t I just admit that a really hot woman is talented? Short answer: I can.

My two favorite famous ladies are Beyonce and Jennifer Lawrence. Both have millions more in the bank than I do. Both are objectively more attractive than most people. Both are universally beloved, and I acknowledge that these two ladies are deserving of all the praise they get. I am not jealous; I admire them greatly and respect what they have contributed to the world and to me personally ( even that one time Beyonce purposely tried to get me to fail torts by dropping that secret album).

The longer answer is that my feelings and opinions are perfectly valid but accusing someone of being jealous  is a really good way to undercut their opinions. Furthermore,  it’s a good way of shutting down someone’s opinions without having to defend your own. If you say you hate Beyonce I would be happy to argue for hours on end about how talented she is, how she is a triple threat, and how she makes music that just genuinely makes people happy. I would love to spend my day scrolling through her catalogue until I find a song that you at least kinda like. I probably won’t waste a lot of my time implying that you have some personal failing that prevents you from appreciating her holiness.

SO yeah, I don’t think ScarJo is a good actress. That is my opinion and a lot of people probably don’t agree with me. I based that opinion on the movies that I have seen her in and my PERSONAL opinion that her performances in said movies  are often the low point. I also don’t love that she plays the exact same role in every movie. So that is why I don’t particularly care for the girl. She’s gorgeous and rich and those are beautiful things but she bugs the hell out of me. No, that doesn’t make me jealous or petty. I’m just a lady-girl with lots of opinions and that’s okay. Believe me, it’s okay (trust me).

BONUS: Here’s this song

Why no one cares about bitcoin in the opinion of a hobbiest

Cryptocurrencies are a decentralized, electronically held and created medium of exchange. The first and most popular crypto is of course, bitcoin. Bitcoin are created through a process called “mining” where individual miners confirm transactions and publish them in blocks to the general ledger. The miners are then rewarded for publishing blocks with bitcoin. These bitcoin then make their way into the virtual economy. The technology has incredible benefits such as low- to no transaction fees and the protocol eliminates the need for a third party to prevent double spending ( a problem with other digital currencies) .

However, Bitcoin has become the center of media attention not for its innovative technology but for talk of the need for regulation, money laundering, and theoretical attacks from collectives of miners.

In spite of the negative media attention bitcoin is being accepted at a growing number of business including Overstock.com, NewEgg, and Shopify. In other words, bitcoin has never been easier to use. Businesses like LocalBitcoin have facilitated person to person transfers by allowing users to rate sellers, set up in-person meetings, and create escrow transactions. Coinbase has been praised by some as the most user friendly exchange/ wallet host. These networks that have facilitated buying and selling, making transactions in virtual currencies fairly safe for the casual users that don’t view the crypto as an investment. Although cold storage and bitcoin safes are becoming more popular, users that buy and spend small amounts of bitcoin are fairly safe from even the most common risks associated with the btc.

So why isn’t this protocol, with its well documented benefits, seen as a flash in the pan or a bubble that could burst at any moment? The short answer: bitcoin users.

The two biggest obstacles preventing the casual internet user from dabbling in bitcoin are the following statements:

1) “The Fed is afraid of bitcoin”: Normal people do not listen to people that EVER talk about The Fed. There is maybe a modicum of truth to this statement. Bitcoin could be used as an alternative to paper currency in the same way that credit and debit cards are today. In May of this year Marc Andreesen described a scenario in which consumers would be able to use bitcoin at Target in his article for the Washington Post. His optimistic yet tempered vision for the future of bitcoin is the type of contribution new users need to push them towards buying a satoshi or two. ( satoshi is the name given to one millionth of a bitcoin). Instead conspiracy blogs tell users that paper currency will be gone the next year. Nearly one-third of the Americans are either unbanked or underbanked, meaning these individuals rely almost exclusively on cash. This fact and countless others are ignored by bitcoin users, making the very useful technology seem, to some, as the passion of the fringe.

2) ” Well first I’ll have to explain how it works” Consumers have many reasons to be a little bit wary of cryptos, as they would be with any other new technology. However, many reasonable people are unreasonably resistant to even examining bitcoin or any other alt coins (ex. Dogecoin Lytecoin). One reason is the way that the conversation around the technology has been approached. Asking someone what bitcoin is if they are a user (or worse miner) will inevitably lead to a lengthy explanation involving talk of hashes, nonces, and ASICS when all you wanted was the basics. People say there is no elevator speech for bitcoin. The truth is, there is. No one knows how their credit card works and yet somehow even the dimmest humans have managed to run up credit card debt all over the world. So why aren’t these same people investing in bundles of bitcoin? Because it sounds so fucking complicated. People that are really knowledgeable about the benefits of bitcoin might tell potential users about the countless advantages, particularly to small business and the underbanked ( very important benefits but outside the scope of this blogpost). Instead those with a little curiosity have it stamped out by an overload of information.

The takeaway here being that bitcoin is very interesting but no one knows what it could or will become. No body does and anyone that claims otherwise is a liar. A terrible liar. Feel free to play.

It May Be Cable News But It’s Pretty Basic

Cable news certainly isn’t the worst thing that has ever happened. It isn’t event the worst thing that is happening in America right this second. Doesn’t even crack the top 10. But make no mistake – it’s not great.

It is entertainment at best and irresponsible journalism at worst. This is coming from an avid consumer of all cable news. I watch A LOT of cable news. MSNBC is literally the only channel I have memorized, I like to have CNN playing while I read, and it is not entirely uncommon for me to watch several episodes of Hannity in a week. The point is I watch a shit ton of “news”.

The thing is, I know that what I am consuming is not actual news. I had the benefit of attending a Journalism college where they warned us all about how news stations pander to viewers by providing content that reinforces what they already believe. I just KNEW that Bill O’Reilly was at fault for the deterioration of journalism and perpetuatingthe stereotype of the “liberal media”. I thought everyone but Bill O was a hard working journalist who exposed corruption and promoted good, honest, pure candidates of all parties.

Globviously that is not 100% true

Now that I have consumed the afore mentioned 10,000 hours of cable news I consider myself an expert. I realize it is not damaging because it reinforces what you already believed; it’s damaging because it is just not news. It doesn’t even try that hard to look like news. There are really obvious examples of these pseudo news stories like “Bridge-gate”, Malaysia flight 370, and of course BENGHAZI. Then there are those stories that seem like they could be news but aren’t. These typically start by pointing out how much you don’t know.

” Polls show Americans don’t actually know what is in the Affordable Care Act” or ” 3 out of 4 people think Obama is lying about Benghazi”

Conveniently absent from these stories is any information to supplement your glaring gaps in knowledge that they just pointed out. None at all. Ever.

Journalists are supposed to tell you what is happening. They are supposed to find sources, make calls, crack cases, then shine a light on the dark corners of the political world, revealing the pestilence and greed! They aren’t supposed to yell ” TELL AMERICA THE TRUTH HILLARY!” Maybe I’m wrong but I kinda always thought their job was to report the news.

Instead of reporting the news cable news has fallen into the routine of either spouting off 15 minute narratives about one semi-newsworthy event (I’m lookin at you Rachel Maddow) or reporting on another network’s news coverage. Did the people on Fox news lie/ Of course they did, it’s Fox News. But how on earth does that merit coverage on any other network? TV has plenty of very talented political journalists who are supposed to lampoon negligent news casters. They don’t need the help of “serious” journalists. And it happens often Too damn often.

In the immortal words of the late, great Owen Hart: ” Enough is enough and it’s time for a change”