It May Be Cable News But It’s Pretty Basic

Cable news certainly isn’t the worst thing that has ever happened. It isn’t event the worst thing that is happening in America right this second. Doesn’t even crack the top 10. But make no mistake – it’s not great.

It is entertainment at best and irresponsible journalism at worst. This is coming from an avid consumer of all cable news. I watch A LOT of cable news. MSNBC is literally the only channel I have memorized, I like to have CNN playing while I read, and it is not entirely uncommon for me to watch several episodes of Hannity in a week. The point is I watch a shit ton of “news”.

The thing is, I know that what I am consuming is not actual news. I had the benefit of attending a Journalism college where they warned us all about how news stations pander to viewers by providing content that reinforces what they already believe. I just KNEW that Bill O’Reilly was at fault for the deterioration of journalism and perpetuatingthe stereotype of the “liberal media”. I thought everyone but Bill O was a hard working journalist who exposed corruption and promoted good, honest, pure candidates of all parties.

Globviously that is not 100% true

Now that I have consumed the afore mentioned 10,000 hours of cable news I consider myself an expert. I realize it is not damaging because it reinforces what you already believed; it’s damaging because it is just not news. It doesn’t even try that hard to look like news. There are really obvious examples of these pseudo news stories like “Bridge-gate”, Malaysia flight 370, and of course BENGHAZI. Then there are those stories that seem like they could be news but aren’t. These typically start by pointing out how much you don’t know.

” Polls show Americans don’t actually know what is in the Affordable Care Act” or ” 3 out of 4 people think Obama is lying about Benghazi”

Conveniently absent from these stories is any information to supplement your glaring gaps in knowledge that they just pointed out. None at all. Ever.

Journalists are supposed to tell you what is happening. They are supposed to find sources, make calls, crack cases, then shine a light on the dark corners of the political world, revealing the pestilence and greed! They aren’t supposed to yell ” TELL AMERICA THE TRUTH HILLARY!” Maybe I’m wrong but I kinda always thought their job was to report the news.

Instead of reporting the news cable news has fallen into the routine of either spouting off 15 minute narratives about one semi-newsworthy event (I’m lookin at you Rachel Maddow) or reporting on another network’s news coverage. Did the people on Fox news lie/ Of course they did, it’s Fox News. But how on earth does that merit coverage on any other network? TV has plenty of very talented political journalists who are supposed to lampoon negligent news casters. They don’t need the help of “serious” journalists. And it happens often Too damn often.

In the immortal words of the late, great Owen Hart: ” Enough is enough and it’s time for a change”

Time Machine: Welcome to Science (fiction)

For years people have speculated how important figures from the past might react if they were brought into the 21st century. We have debated whether their responses would be awe at the strides that we have made as a society or shock at the way that we have allowed our culture and our environment to crumble. The following is what would happen if some of history’s greatest civil rights activists were brought to modern day America. 

The following is what would happen if JFK, Malcolm X, Abraham Lincoln and Dr. Martin Luther King were brought to 2014.

ME: we finally have achieved some kind of racial equality. A black man holds perhaps the most coveted job in the world, President of the United States.

MX: I knew one day my people would be accepted

ME: well… actually Malcolm, Muslims are not just the MOST popular people in the world.

JFK: I thought that surely by now  men would have been able to live without being judged by the color of their skin

ME: You’d think that. Honestly though, most of the judging is about the length of your beard and the foreign-ness of your name. Later today I’ll tell you guys all about terrorists.

JFK: Like the communists?

MLK: The Russians

AL: Confederates?

ME: No, no ,and sometimes. They aren’t nearly as organized as they used to be down there but if you can I would still avoid Mississippi.

MLK: Still?

ME:Yeah it’s just easier that way.

MX: Why did you bring us here?

ME: I wanted to show you what your contributions have done for the United States and the world. Today we have a black president, black serial killers a black Disney princess. We even had a black, female secretary of state. Even though she was black and a woman, the reason people hated her was because she was a lying gap toothed bitch.

JFK: Who?

ME: We’ll get to that hot tranny mess in the backslide I call the Bush years part deux.

(everyone looks around nervously)

ME: Now you’re all here because you died trying to achieve equality.

AL: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

ME: That’s a car. Don’t worry about that. eyes on the prize. (I gesture towards my face trying to get Lincoln to at least feign eye interest)

MX: Can we go back to the Muslim issue? Am I going to get shot again?

ME: No with those glasses and your last name people will just assume you’re a new member of Odd Future.

MLK: But Malcolm was a beacon of hope for thousand of colored men and women. His book inspired men of all races to join the civil rights movement. His suffering was ineffable but he overcame! He rose above the fray, he shirked racism. Although his ideas were not a panacea for all of our nation’s ills…

ME:Okay well now he is the guy that looks like Denzel Washington. And we’re not on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, no need to pontificate.

AL: Lincoln memorial?

JFK: What did I get?

ME: You have a ton of schools, a center and probably a library or something.

MLK: What about me?

ME: You have a memorial but it’s a touch misleading. You also have a bunch of streets . Most of which are the furthest North the police will go…

MX: What about me?

ME: You have a great movie. I’d also be willing to bet that a few former black panthers set up a college fund for you somewhere.
(Malcolm looks at his feet while the rest of the guys high five. Lincoln wipes his hands on his pants. )

ME: This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for all of us to learn about how our nation has changed. Does anyone have any questions that really matter?

AL: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

ME: That’s a Chinese man, Jesus Christ Lincoln not cool.

AL: No behind that!

ME: Oh, sorry. That’s a Television. God I feel like I’m walking around with Helen Keller.

JFK: Helen is here? Socialist bitch…

ME: NO! Are there any other questions?

MX: Was there a race revolution after we all died?

Me: No. Like I said we definitely made some strides. We are closer to equality. Dr. King as you expected class warfare did become a more prominent social issue. They tried to break up the ASCME union again. Now we argue over whether or not racism still exists. Black people call each other the N word, its in almost every rap song…

MLK: What’s rap?

Me: Let’s get started. Let  me introduce you all to the wonderful work of Black Entertainment Television.

 

To be Continued. ..