It wasn’t the Networks. It was the viewer that killed TV

Everything I love gets taken away. That’s a little dramatic.

I fucking love TV.  I spent 4 years of my undergraduate career becoming an expert on television.

While I don’t know who Max Weber is or what type of government they have in Lesotho (monarchy?), I do understand the life cycle of a TV show.  They start out a little bland or a little over the top, but as time goes on the show inevitably balances out.  Characters get crazier, jokes start landing better, the loveable neat freak from season one develops a hilarious case of OCD.  The first season of several of shows that went on to become hugely successful are often forgettable (Friends, Sex and the City, Seinfeld, Parks and Recreation).

As every avid TV watcher knows, there is nothing as depressing as a favorite show being cancelled.

And a whole host of my personal favorite TV shows have been cancelled before getting a chance to hit their stride, for example, Perfect Couples.  This show got only six episodes in spite of the fact that it is objectively hilarious.  It had everything: garbage, bromances, adults that act like children, yelling, and flashbacks.  It did not have a “will-they, won’t they” dynamic but it had Olivia Munn and 30 drama-free minutes of jokes.

Another example, Happy Endings, made it a lot further than Perfect Couples, but it was similarly shortchanged.  This FLAWLESS show featured some funny couples, a black guy, and it was demonstrably EVERYTHING.

Am I bitter?  Yes, I loved these shows more than I love most things but that isn’t why I am so upset.  Tons of shows I like are cancelled every year precisely because I watch so much TV.  I watched Terra Nova, Hell Cats, Whitney,  Are you There God It’s Me Chelsea, Go On, Animal Practice, Sons of Tucson, Til Death, Alan Gregory, and a boat-load of other shows that I am leaving out because they were either super forgettable or just downright bad.

I understand when these shows get cancelled and I just move on to Netflix until the next batch of new shows comes out.  What really chaps my ass is when decent/good shows get cut.  This happens all too often because people don’t have the patience to wait for an okay show to get better.  How to Make it In America?  Good ass show. Is Eastbound and Down still on?  I don’t know but I bet it’s not because people have no patience.

You would think we would have learned our lesson after wagyu-beef-grade shows like Freaks and Geeks, Arrested development, and Veronica Mars were ripped from our loving televisions. Thanks in part to Netflix and the internet the latter two were resurrected, perhaps briefly or mediocre-ly, but never the less they gave us another taste of the good stuff.

Happy Endings will not get the same resurrection that Yahoo is giving Community or Netflix gave Arrested Development and for that I blame the masses(you people). Can we not learn from our past? Think of the children?! Or on a less dramatic level, think about how I get overly attached to TV shows and how you not giving a gang of garbage misfits a chance is genuinely hurting my feelings.

My fear is that this TRAVESTY will happen again and again, maybe even in the very near future.  Any examples?  Well absolutely, I would love to tell you about it.

A personal favorite show of mine is Impractical Jokers.  To say I watch it religiously would be misleading (Lord knows I have not been to church since the PlayStation 2 came out. Sorry Lord).  The titular Jokers have ventured out to create a new improv show: Jokers Wild.  It is pretty solid.  It’s got everything I want: garbage, bromances, adults that act like children, yelling, and flashbacks.  Overall, not bad.  Is it Impractical Jokers?  No, but my assumption is that it wasn’t intended to be, hence the different name and time slot. However, twitter has already turned on the show.  Two episodes in and the feedback would have you thinking that the show featured the four men bat-winging the audience for half an hour (side note: someone get this idea to the people at TruTV).

It is unreasonable to ask people to watch a show that they don’t like just to ensure that it doesn’t get ripped from the airwaves before it has had time to blossom ( maybe, but I’d do it for you guys).  It is not, however, too much to ask people to reserve their bile spitting diatribes until a show has hit its second season stride.

In short, what I am saying is don’t be a LITERAL bag of dicks and reserve your judgment on TV shows for a couple minutes. It’s very important to some of us.

Me. It’s very important to me.

Hey Ladies, Don’t let TV make you awful

The following is not an indictment of women, but rather a wagging finger at the way women in relationships are portrayed on television.

Why do TV shows that are directed at women make them believe it is okay to be terrible? By and large most women are not awful people. Though at some point in a relationship it is likely that you’ll scream at your partner or be insanely irrational, you’ll probably also realize it or at least you won’t make a habit of it. If throwing fits in public or pointing fingers at your innocent boyfriend is something you make a habit of, rest assured you won’t have a boyfriend for very long.

Unless you’re Carrie Bradshaw. Or Hannah Horvath. Or any character on any show on the CW. At some point all of these ladies have thrown shown up at their lover’s door with tears in their eyes to tell them that they just want to be loved and appreciated. Nine times out of 10 the man has no idea that there is a problem in their relationship until they have to usher their girlfriend inside to prevent the scene from escalating in public. The woman gives a speech and leaves in a huff, staring out their window, wondering why he hasn’t called.

Well obviously he hasn’t called because you just threw a huge fucking fit on his doorstep because you’re insecure. That is not a normal thing to do. He’s probably pissed off because he got excited when you showed up unexpectedly. He was probably thinking “ Oh my god she’s finally being more spontaneous and we are going to get real dirty in the middle of the day”. SURPRISE no you’re not. Instead of making him happy you’re going to tell him that he’s disappointed you and that he has failed to make you comfortable in your relationship. So much so that you felt you had no other recourse but to show up at his house in the middle of the day crying.

A normal man is either going to want to give you space because they honestly feel bad that they upset you so much or just assume you’re batshit crazy and refuse to feed into your delusions. But these TV guys are more than willing to make that gesture. They call and they admit they are wrong. Big will inevitably show up at Carrie’s door, tail between his legs. Hannah will have some insanely attractive ( or just insane) man telling her she is everything. Every guy on the CW will show up in a boat or at a ball or end up getting shot because the CW is a joke of a network.

This won’t happen to you. If you act like these women you’re gonna have a bad time.

In short if you’re going to get inspired by these dramedy series, fall in love with the clothes or the slightly jaded bitchy character. Or the loser poor guy that is attractive and funny. In your heart of hearts you know they are needy and terrible if you follow their lead you will be too.

Criminal Minds is serial killing my life

I am really busy. I have reading to do, papers to write, miles to run, lunches to eat. A lot of stuff. Point is I got shit to do. 

It’s nearly impossible for me to get that stuff done though because Criminal Minds is always on TV, serial killing my productivity. How am I supposed to focus on any kind of readings when I see this sexy mug on my screen…

 

Or this one? 

Or this one? 

Everyone on that show is so damn attractive it’s nearly impossible to turn off the TV based on that fact alone. Criminal Minds is also a lot more than that though. It is the perfect amount of repetitive story line and surprise endings to tempt you to turn it on even if you’ve missed the first 15 or 45 minutes. Yeah you won’t know exactly what’s going on but once you see the kinda famous kid from that 90’s TV show you’ll immediately know who the “unsub” is. Also you really don’t need to see the first few minutes because they are probably just making inaccurate guesses about the killer’s mental state ” He’s probably a sadist”. Don’t worry he’s probably not actually a sadist, you haven’t missed the actual profile. 

Another way this show is ruining my life in the best way possible is because it is making me believe that I know a lot about psychology. As any avid watcher of Criminal Minds knows, every single crime inevitably ends in suicide by cop. There have been several occasions over the last few years when I was genuinely convinced that I could solve a crime just by hearing tidbits of information on the 10 o’clock news.

“Oh there’s a serial rapist? You’re going to need to be looking for a white man in his mid 30s whose mother has died within the past 6 months. Oh you don’t have that database at the Tulsa County Library? You don’t even work here? “

Needless to say I rarely know what I am talking about. Fortunately the risks associated with making guesses about the identity of local criminals are minimal. Where you (or really I) get into trouble is when you start making terrible assumptions about strangers based on a TV show about the FBI. Have I suggested to my friends before that someone we know probably has rage blackouts and abuses his girlfriend? Yes. Did I have any information to back it up? If you consider watching seasons 1-7 of Criminal Minds information than yes, yes I do. Otherwise, no and I am sorry for spreading that rumor. 

Criminal Minds is a fabulous show and, like so many other great things, is probably safe in moderation. In large quantities though it is more dangerous than Foyet and Frank combined.Tread softly fans, I know I won’t. 

It May Be Cable News But It’s Pretty Basic

Cable news certainly isn’t the worst thing that has ever happened. It isn’t event the worst thing that is happening in America right this second. Doesn’t even crack the top 10. But make no mistake – it’s not great.

It is entertainment at best and irresponsible journalism at worst. This is coming from an avid consumer of all cable news. I watch A LOT of cable news. MSNBC is literally the only channel I have memorized, I like to have CNN playing while I read, and it is not entirely uncommon for me to watch several episodes of Hannity in a week. The point is I watch a shit ton of “news”.

The thing is, I know that what I am consuming is not actual news. I had the benefit of attending a Journalism college where they warned us all about how news stations pander to viewers by providing content that reinforces what they already believe. I just KNEW that Bill O’Reilly was at fault for the deterioration of journalism and perpetuatingthe stereotype of the “liberal media”. I thought everyone but Bill O was a hard working journalist who exposed corruption and promoted good, honest, pure candidates of all parties.

Globviously that is not 100% true

Now that I have consumed the afore mentioned 10,000 hours of cable news I consider myself an expert. I realize it is not damaging because it reinforces what you already believed; it’s damaging because it is just not news. It doesn’t even try that hard to look like news. There are really obvious examples of these pseudo news stories like “Bridge-gate”, Malaysia flight 370, and of course BENGHAZI. Then there are those stories that seem like they could be news but aren’t. These typically start by pointing out how much you don’t know.

” Polls show Americans don’t actually know what is in the Affordable Care Act” or ” 3 out of 4 people think Obama is lying about Benghazi”

Conveniently absent from these stories is any information to supplement your glaring gaps in knowledge that they just pointed out. None at all. Ever.

Journalists are supposed to tell you what is happening. They are supposed to find sources, make calls, crack cases, then shine a light on the dark corners of the political world, revealing the pestilence and greed! They aren’t supposed to yell ” TELL AMERICA THE TRUTH HILLARY!” Maybe I’m wrong but I kinda always thought their job was to report the news.

Instead of reporting the news cable news has fallen into the routine of either spouting off 15 minute narratives about one semi-newsworthy event (I’m lookin at you Rachel Maddow) or reporting on another network’s news coverage. Did the people on Fox news lie/ Of course they did, it’s Fox News. But how on earth does that merit coverage on any other network? TV has plenty of very talented political journalists who are supposed to lampoon negligent news casters. They don’t need the help of “serious” journalists. And it happens often Too damn often.

In the immortal words of the late, great Owen Hart: ” Enough is enough and it’s time for a change”

Really Solid Ideas with Music

1. Make friends with the jukebox

Next time you’re at a bar with a jukebox, put $20 in and play this song on repeat then leave.

2. Landslide Themed Karaoke Night

Sing every version of Landslide you can think of. Start and finish with the Smashing Pumpkins version.

3. Intentionally Depress Your Friends on the Way Out

Play this and say things like ” it just sucks he never really had a childhood.”

4. TV Theme Song CD Soundtrack 

Make a CD with nothing but TV theme songs on it. Force everyone in your car to listen to it and GUESS. THAT. SHOW.

Bonus: Make a bunch of copies of the CD in case someone tries to change it.

5. Replace all the songs on someones ipod with the Kidz Bop versions.

Insist that that person uses their iPod at the party.

Bad Sitcom Ideas

1. Buddy comedy about roommates where one roommate is a detective and the other roommate is the serial rapist he’s looking for.

2. Scooby Doo spin off 6 years in the future where Scooby Doo is dead and he’s the ghost.

3. Cabbage patch kids rehab. The now adult cabbage patch deal with their abandonment issues.

4. Jesse’s Girl: The sitcom about how Jesse’s girl deals with Rick Springfield being released from prison after being held for stalking and attempted murder.

5. And she dropped: The tv movie about a girl with epilepsy that wants to be a dubstep DJ.

6. Where there’s a WIll: A man named Will is drafting his will in a How I Met your Mother style series where he tells his children why they are left out of the will.

7. How Much does it Holocost: an antique road show style program that appraises artifacts of the Holocaust ( should air on HGTV )

8. Richard Lewis tells ghost stories wherein Richard Lewis tells ghost stories.

9. Assisted: A TV show where a young girl has to pretend she’s a dental hygienist when in reality she works at an assisted suicide clinic. Lots of crazy confusion when her friends run into her boss and say “ I should come in sometime”

10. Sage Advice : A middle school guidance counselor inherits an herb garden, the kids she counsels are pint-sized detectives that use her shop as HQ and her wisdom as inspiration.

11. Family Feudal: A family competes for resources in Feudal Japan. Steve Harvey is the Feudal Lord.

12. Mason-Dixon: Black Roommate, white roommate, racism, hilarity ensues.

13. Tyler Perry’s Everybody Loves Raymond: All black cast. Wealthy neighborhood in New York. EVeryone is addicted to crack, Marie is Tyler Perry in drag, turns out Ray is Deborah’s son.

14. Grimm Reapercussions : The Grimm Reaper has to deal with the backlash of his debauchery-filled past and how it affects his relationship with his daughter as a single father