Movie Binge: Six Movies, Four Days, Two Wins.

Starting on Friday night I started an epic movie binge wherein I watched 6 movies in 4 days. Some of them were very good, some of them were very bad. Here is a truncated review of each of the movies I watched.

Ant Man

Ant-Man (2015) Poster

Ant Man has pretty great reviews and I was really looking forward to seeing it because Paul Rudd is adorable and hilarious. I sat down with high hopes that it would be like Avengers with more jokes, less action, and Michael Pena. I was not expecting a REAL action movie.  When you hear “Ant-Man”  you kinda expect that it is going to be a quirky movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously. And that was kinda true.

Michael Pena was solid gold every time he was on screen and the movie had some pretty good winks at the audience where they told us “we get it, an ant super hero is mostly nonsense.” But it was afraid to go full comedy. Because of that, 45 minutes into the movie I looked down at my watch and thought ” okay only 1:15 left.”

It was a mixture of action and comedy and it didn’t do a good job of being either. You get flashes of comedy and seconds later it would flash to an action montage. If it had committed to being a zany comedy it would have been a lovely movie. Instead it was just painfully boring.

The Gift

I will admit that I only saw the Gift because I wanted to know what the big, dark secret was. I had absolutely no hope of it being good at all. The first part of the movie lived down to my expectations. BUT It took an exciting turn and became a captivating thriller about thirty minutes in.  It was well acted and surprising. The characters were really well developed. I’d have really visceral reactions towards people and began to sympathize with others.

It was a great mixture of not knowing who to trust and shit popping out at you for a good portion of the movie…Then it kinda took a turn for the worst when they had to start wrapping up storylines. Ending movies is probably hard. If you don’t believe me just watch this one.

I can’t give too much detail about this movie without ruining anything but I didn’t necessarily regret paying to see it.

Tangerine

This. Movie. Was. Everything.

It was hilarious. It was beautifully shot. I will reiterate, IT WAS EVERYTHING.

It follows a trans-woman named Sin-Dee throughout her first day after being released from prison. She immediately finds out that her man cheated on her with a biological woman while she was on the inside and goes on a full RAMPAGE. Every interaction she has is solid gold. Every encounter Sin-Dee has, even with characters that are on the screen only seconds, leads to full belly laughter.

It is rare for a comedy to be both a really good movie and extraordinarily funny but this movie did it. It is quotable and sincere. It ties in all of the storlines really well without ever feeling labored. It was emotional without being exhausting. Although some people I have spoken to didn’t think that the movie would be successful because it is kind of niche, it has widespread appeal. Anyone that sits through this movie will love it and will invariably find something or someone in it that they LOVE.

Aloha

It was dumpster trash. It was the worst thing I have seen in a long time and I think feel like Cameron Crowe owes me PERSONALLY an explanation. I decided to watch it because I like to be fair. When I hear that a movie is universally panned, I try to go into with an open heart. I assumed that the reason it was getting such shit reviews was because Emma Stone played a Hawaiian and people were so offended by the movie’s cultural insensitivity that they were unable to look passed that.

I was a fool.

I genuinely believe  this movie was made as the product of a bet where someone said ” I bet I can make a blockbuster hit by having an A-list cast, even with a horrible script that makes no sense at all and characters that do things for no reason.” Well whoever made that bet lost. But somehow I still feel like I was the biggest loser.

Fantastic Four

Another example of me giving a universally panned movie the benefit of the doubt ( I am literally a saint.) The difference between Fantastic 4 and Aloha is that this time I feel kind of bad for the movie. It had a 9% of Rotten Tomatoes when I watched it and that seems extremely unfair (especially considering the relatively high ratings that Ant-Man got). I will reveal to you the reason that it got such shit ratings: it was a movie that was made for children and marketed to adults.

There was a kid in my theater and he was wide-eyed the entire time. He was living for this movie even when I was about to fall asleep.

In my adult brain I’m thinking they didn’t spend enough time on the things that actually matter (and they didn’t) but this kid is having the time of his fucking life. So I realized, it’s like if you go into every animated movie thinking it is going to be like Inside Out you are going to be seriously disappointed. Thinking every superhero movie is going to be either The Dark Knight of the Avengers is setting yourself up for similar disappointment.Just because you didn’t like it doesn’t mean it’s not good. It wasn’t made for you foolio. 

Best of Enemies

Tangerine was the best movie I saw this week but Best of Enemies was a close second. This movie is about Gore Vidal and WIlliam Buckley Jr.’s debates during the 1968 Democratic and Republican coventions. I didn’t know much about either of these men, much less the events that the documentary covers. I did know, however, that their debates are widely regarded as the precursor to modern day punditry and Cable News. So, as a veracious consumer of cable news I felt like it was my duty to see this movie.

Everyone in the theater was easily 45 years my senior so I was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate it. Boy was I wrong. It was a good story, it developed the players, it told you why Vidal and Buckley were the way they were, and impact of the debates. The film was mostly linear but it presented the background information in a way that was both relevant and interesting. Many documentaries feel like homework but this was like a film.

And even though it was a documentary about historical events it is relevant to what is going on today with the news and partisan politics. Whether you love movies or politics, this movie is pour vous.

Go see some or all of these movies (probably not in four days).

My recommendations in order:

  1. Tangerine
  2. Best of Enemies
  3. The Gift
  4. Fantastic 4
  5. Ant-Man
  6. Aloha
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How Mary-Kate and Ashley Ruined Vacations for us all

As millennials and BuzzFeed enthusiasts we are all well aware of the MK&A presence in our formative years. They’re the billionaire babies who monopolized the straight to VHS and paperback market. This domination is thanks, in no small part, to their unrivaled bildungsroman plot points and matching outfits. Of course, as they grew older, the matching outfits faded to coordinated black Pierrot numbers and sport goggles from Fendi.

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TMZ surprises the Olsens as they leave a cafe in TriBeCa.

We loved them, they did everything we wanted to. They could straight up talk back to their parents and get an adorable laugh as opposed to a TV suspension. They switched places because their parents made enough money to not pay any attention to them. I mean Jesus, they had cell phones in 2003; it was the true American dream as far as I was concerned.

I recently returned from a family trip and at the veteran age of 23 I was thinking about how those Xerox copies completely skewed my perception of vacations and the American witness relocation program.

Let me regale you with my findings.

  1. You will always meet a cute boy who is your age and he will be exotic, but not in a way that would threaten a suburban mom. Think of him as the blonde personification of mild suace. Now this poblano pepper will have a friend who will be very similar, but different in the way boy band members are different. This friend will simultaneously fall for your sister. It will be super cute and they will sweep you off of your platform-sandal-clad feet and tour the city on a vespa; zoom zoom.
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These two surfer dream boats are as different as Australian and New Zealand accents.

Reality: You will be confined to whatever activities your parents deem acceptable and the opposite sex will either be a relative, way too old, way too young, or interested in your hot cousin. Because hot cousins always live that Olsen lifestyle – not you, you homely peasant.

  1. Your parents or random adult supervision will let you wander around in this foreign city, shopping montages will fill your day, and no one you know will ever have cancer.
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look how care-free we are because we’re not in Jr high looking like bewildered cartoons…haha PARIS!!!

Realty: You do whatever shit your parents tell you to do because you’re thirteen and Taken was not just a movie. If you’re actually of age you will have to watch your younger sibling or cousins because the adults are throwing back cocktails. Remember, this is their trip and you’re checked baggage that doubles as a babysitter. When it is finally your time to shine and pick an activity for a small portion of the day, not only will your parents be right by your side but they will be wearing comfort sandals, thus letting all the local boys know you are an uncultured swine who buys all your cheese at the Walmart neighborhood market.

  1. You will visit an amazing location: Bahamas, London, Paris, Australia, Rome, The Lost City of Atlantis, a Dude Ranch…
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These dolphins are the Olsen twins of Guam

Reality: You’re visiting your Grandma in Lompoc, California and if you’re lucky you’ll carpool to Solvang and buy a authentic danish. Want to know whose on Tinder in a Central-California Danish town? Crooks and Castle’s frequent fliers who are working on their rap album and don’t have time for “anything serious”. It is just you and your dad and Grandma wont pick which strudel she wants because Costco has apple but not not THIS apple and you spiral thinking about how you are going to die a virgin.

4. Sixteen is a perfectly acceptable age to go on an unsupervised co-ed adventure to a ski-lodge that you and your friends can like TOTALLY afford.

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Reality: For spring break you all lie to your parents and get a senior to rent a motel so you can drink grain alcohol from a plastic bottle and hot beer that was hidden in someones trunk all afternoon.

5. You have the potential to be a world famous fashion troll who guards the bridge to Karl Lagerfeld’s castle.

Reality: You spend your lunch hour listing ways the Olsen twins ruined your life for your own bemusement.

In defense of Ted 2…Kind of.

I saw Ted 2 Recently and it was just okay.

I laughed, I frowned, I was bored sometimes; overall I wasn’t terribly offended. The internet’s reaction, however, would lead you to believe that it was an hour and a half of revenge porn.

The gravamen of the internet’s rage was the accusation that the movie was extremely racist. If my movie viewing experience was any indication of where this rage is coming from I can say that this issue might be a lil bit overblown. I was the only black person in the theater when I saw it and I can say definitively that a lot of people don’t understand racism.

That is not to say the movie didn’t have its offensive moments; it certainly did. But the biggest flaw was not that the film was peppered with a few tone deaf jokes. The bigger problem was that it felt like someone tried to turn a decent movie into an episode of Family Guy.

I have some pretty mixed feelings about Seth Macfarlane (explained in greater detail here) but if he were to say that people are oversensitive he would not be wrong. I wouldn’t write the whole movie off for the following two reasons:

1) The black jokes aren’t racist, they’re just lazy

There were two different kinds of black jokes in the movie. Neither were particularly funny but one was definitely more offensive than the other. First, there are actual jokes where “black guy” is the punchline, then there are over the top, cartoon-ish depictions of black people.

The actual jokes are not horrible offensive but pretty unfunny. For example, at one point Mark Wahlberg finds himself in a sperm bank with Ted. After a series of mishaps Wahlberg gets covered in sperm samples only to find out that they were going to be discarded anyway because they were rejected sickle-cell samples. The punchline of the joke was something to the effect of “you’re covered in black guy sperm.” Everyone in the theater let out a collective gasp.

that is, everyone except me.

Personally, I thought it was kind of a throwaway joke about black people having sickle-cell. Everyone else on the other hand thought it was TERRIBLY racist, including the white people I saw it with.

On the other hand, the over the top caricatures of black people didn’t seem to really illicit any response from the audience. There was the black woman that kept saying “white nigga” and the running “black cocks” joke. Those “jokes” do way more to perpetuate negative stereotypes than pointing out that black people are more likely to have sickle-cell than people of other races. These heavy handed jokes were an uncomfortable reminder that some people that are going to see this movie are 13 year old boys. These are the jokes that could have, and should have been left on the cutting room floor not because they are a little offensive, but because they are extremely unfunny. Comedy by its very nature is a little bit offensive but it is powerful way of letting off pressure. Those shitty jokes didn’t do that. They didn’t advance a public discourse. They kind of poke fun at the proverbial angry black woman.

And it is disconcerting to see those kind of jokes come from the creator of Family Guy because he is capable of better and should have learned that lesson by now. I mean Jesus Christ, the Cleveland Show didn’t work because the whole “that black woman is wearing a wig” joke is not funny enough to carry a 22 minute TV show let alone a whole movie.

I wouldn’t encourage people to get upset about any jokes in this movie but if you’re the type that likes to get hot under the collar these jokes are the ones that should have take you there.

But they aren’t. And that is because there is this weird culture where you cant’ say “black” because that is OVER THE LINE. That’s a rant for another day though. The point is the racial jokes weren’t bad because they were horribly unfunny…they were bad because they weren’t funny.  Which brings me to my next point…

2) It was a decent movie spliced with Family Guy scenes. 

I get the crushing feeling that Seth Macfarlane pitched this movie to someone and they said “that sounds great, but what if there’s like a scene from Family Guy every 13 minutes.” And that was the biggest problem with Ted 2.

A lot of us have grown up watching Family Guy. We fell in love with that show because it was so the perfect mixture of fart jokes and random cut-aways. Now we appreciate some of the more mature jokes and the smarter references. Ted 2 was a painful reminder that the Seth Macfarlane makes movies for us Twenty-somethings but he must also cater to people that were born in 2001.

At its best Ted was just fun to watch. One of the funniest scenes in was a hilarious scene that made jokes about some really depressing things that happened recently. I’m not going to describe it in detail because that’s not my god damn job but to they do reference the offices of Charlie Hebdo so its kinda dark. It was one of those great comedy moments where you realize that you can still laugh even though there are horrible things going on in the world.

There were some serious moments that were pretty good too. Some spot on topical speeches about rights and the law and humanity. It seems like the unfortunate thing is that Seth Macfarlane has a decent idea for a movie but if he doesn’t allude to a popular Family Guy episode someone is going to punch him right in the perineum.

I mean, I still watch Family Guy regularly even though I am a woman in my mid-twenties because 1) I genuinely think it’s funny, and 2) I am made of discarded cereal box tops.

The movie had some glimpses of the things that the show does so well. For example, the opening of Ted had a song and dance number that was really entertaining. It is the kind of old Hollywood routine that you don’t really see in movies today, even musicals. Similarly, on Family Guy, the song and dance bits are just delighhtfullll. Republican Town, my personal favorite, is set to the tune of Company Way from How to Succeed in Business and it is literally everything.

Unfortunately, it does a little more pandering to Family Guy audiences than I’d like, even the jokes that don’t work so well (see Cleveland Show reference above.)

Conclusion

In short, Seth Macfarlane is a precious baby angel and he deserves the benefit of the doubt. See the movie- you might like it, you might hate it, you might nothing it. In spite of some very uncomfortable scenes it has some lovely moments that are worth the $8 ticket. Don’t let the reviews deter you from watching it.

Stay tuned for our next movie review called “Magic Mike 2 is just like Sex and the City 2 because apparently movie execs think that all women want to watch is a happy ending for everyone even if it makes no fucking sense.”

The most important thing I know about Feminism I learned from Shark Tank

If you want to understand the hostility that women have to deal with in the workplace you need only switch your TV to ABC. (If you don’t know anything about Shark Tank I am not going to explain it)

As a working lady myself I was appalled to see the same pattern of micro-aggressions on that show almost every episode ( I watch a lot of Shark Tank). I was also appalled to realize that it wasn’t just the men of Tech and Venture Capital engaging in this damaging behavior (two male dominated professions-just ask Ellen Pao, am I right ladies) but the women participated too. Some of the issues were obvious. When attractive women come into the Tank they are treated with kid gloves. They get comments like ” You two are so gorgeous, I just don’t think this product is for me. I’m out.”

Other issues are less obvious but just as tragic. For example, the men jump ship whenever an extremely feminine product makes its way before the sharks. They politely explain that they don’t know anything about the [insert female product] market, so they don’t feel like they can be of any help. Although their decisions may be completely reasonable, it sends peculiar message to the inventors: I’m not refusing because your product is bad, I’m making a calculated decision to not get involved because it is a feminine product. Shitty message- but still not enough to get me hot under the collar. ( I am VERY calm)

The one thing that does genuinely piss me the fuck off is the relationship between Lori and Barbara. Neither women are as hostile to anyone else as they are to one another. They regularly refuse to work with one another, they undercut each other’s business prowess, and they actively work against each other even when they have no horse in the race. There are few things I like to see less.

Why? Well I’ll tell ya why foolios. First, because it perpetuates the stereotype that women naturally hate one another, and second, because it is a seldom symptom of gender discrimination in the workplace that is seldom talked about. Here’s an illustration para ti:

You work in a big firm and two partners retire at around the same time; one is a man one is a woman. Unless you’re working at an extremely progressive business there is probably an unspoken understanding that those two positions will not be filled by two women. Two women near the top of their field will not be looking at one another as allies, instead, they will be looking at one another as obstacles. If any man gets the first position that doesn’t have a profound impact on the likelihood that either woman will clench the other position. If, however, the first spot is bestowed upon one woman, the other will feel like their forward trajectory is put on hold until the next round of promotions.

Doesn’t really breed sisterly affection does it?

And that’s what I see every time I watch Shark Tank. Lori and Barbara, two self-made millionaires, competing to be the strongest female shark. Each one trying their hardest to be the one that DESERVES to be there.

While they both probably faced similar struggles on the way to the top they don’t seem to have developed the feeling that they are sisters in arms.  They haven’t been taught to support each other. Instead, they have been taught to tear each other down. Maybe it isn’t their fault like it isn’t the fault of every other woman who has to engage in these same types of behaviors but that doesn’t make it any less damaging. And it doesn’t make it any less painful to watch.

Think for a second about the old story of the crabs in the bucket. Individually the crabs could easily claw their way to safety but in trying to escape, they frantically claw at each other’s legs preventing each other from getting out. The crabs panic-stricken efforts to be the first out ends with their collective downfall.

Maybe space for women at the top will open up, eviscerating the need for this type of competitiveness. Maybe we could just start building each other up instead of devolving into the proverbial crabs in a bucket. Maybe nothing will change and I will remain a Kevin O’Leary fan.

One thing I know for sure: Robert Herjavec is the worst Shark in the Tank and I hope he never makes another deal.

Trust I’m not the only one dissecting the treatment women on this gem of a program, Bustle goes in with stats that give us a little hope before pulling us back down again.

– Word is bond.

Saving with Lawnmower: I pretend to be an adult for once in my life

Lawnmower - Dashboard (iOS)

Recently I downloaded Lawnmower, a bitcoin app that turns the “spare change” from your credit card purchases into bitcoin. So, for every $3.60 you spend at McPoundtown, Lawnmower puts $0.40 towards an investment in bitcoin. Here is how my experience with the app has gone so far (about 10 days.)

Let’s start out by saying that I can’t save money. I may be the only person in the entire world that has used a CoinStar since the early 2000’s. Give me four quarters and I will give you the wrapper of the Twix that I just ate. Thus, I am constantly looking for the most pain-free way to save.

Unfortunately, my erratic spending is at odds with my chosen lifestyle as a bitcoin hobbyist. I have written about the legality of virtual currencies and commented on model regulations for bitcoin BUT  I am still in my 20’s and actually saving the money to buy a full bitcoin is about the hardest thing I have done since I tried to stay sober at a networking event.

When I read about Lawnmower in Fortune  I was skeptical for three major reasons. First, I generally don’t trust bitcoin businesses because exactly one third of all bitcoin users are certifiably insane. Second, I knew that using it would require me to link my bank account to the app somehow, which I didn’t love. Finally, I read the app was still in beta and I haven’t trusted a Beta since my first semester at the University of Oklahoma (am I right ladieees?). Still, I am a sucker for a savings account and I decided to investigate further.

Pro tip: the best place to start investigating a bitcoin business is their “Legal” section. You may not know this, but by using A LOT of bitcoin businesses you are tacitly agreeing to be governed by the laws of a different country. (#teamSingapore).

Lawnmower’s legal info seemed to be on the up-and-up. Most of their Terms of Use are somehow related to those of Coinbase, to which I have already agreed. The price is based on Coinbase’s valuation, purchases from Coinbase count towards the transactions, and the privacy policy is virtually identical to that of Coinbase. Essentially, Coinbase looked at me and said, “Don’t worry girl, he’s with me.”

Next I looked into how it worked. It is exactly as easy as it sounds. You download the app, it links with your Coinbase account, you spend like crazy, it rounds up to the next dollar, and you eventually you get a bunch of bitcoin. Lawnmower holds off on buying you any bitcoin until you have saved up $4.

Seems legit.

So I downloaded the free app and waited for the bitcoin to roll in. I was asked if I would like it to jumpstart my savings by applying it to some of my most recent purchases. Globviously I said yes; I desperately wanted to see what was going to happen. For a day or two nothing happened. I looked at my Coinbase wallet and it said I had a very sexy $0 worth of bitcoin. About three days later I glanced at my Coinbase and BOOM, new wallet. The wallet simply called “Lawnmower”  had just under $4 worth of bitcoin (classic price fluctuations.)

It took about eight purchases worth of change to buy my first .02 of bitcoin through Lawnmower but it was pretty exciting. So far I am up to about $18 worth of bitcoin all just from saving my “spare change.” Once I actually started paying attention to the purchases I started wanting more bitcoin. I got super pissed off that it wasn’t buying as fast as I can spend but apparently it can only buy as fast as Bank of America processes payments.

As it turns out, I’m a fan. I’d definitely tell people to use it. It works with most of the major banks so some people that have local banks may not be able to use it (sorry Grandma, Five Thirds didn’t make the cut this time.) Bonus: You can send and receive money with your Lawnmower wallet just like you could any other Coinbase wallet. This was a welcomed surprise I discovered when I needed to send someone .001 bitcoin and I somehow couldn’t rationalize spending $0.23 to buy that off the exchange.

One thing I was not prepared for is that it does take a full dollar if your purchase is for an even dollar amount. (ex: you spend $5.00 and Lawnmower puts $1.00 towards bitcoin.) I didn’t love that at first but honestly I don’t hate it. Also, it has made me more conscious of how often I buy something from the vending machine or take Sidecar.

Moral of the story is I give them a round of applause.  I can’t wait to save up enough bitcoin so that I can blow my savings on something completely useless from O.co.

S&F

Ballad of the Independent woman

Attention world: I am that new wave of women. That independent, don’t need no man. You know… That Girl Ne-yo pens songs about. Do you see how I am clapping MY hands in time with MY words? That is how independent I am. When all of my friends spend their Friday nights cozied up and Netflixed next to their boo things, I’m out there IN THE REAL WORLD, doing me as, If I could do anything else.

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I almost feel bad for all the men and women out there who have fallen victim to relationships. These poor souls are trapped spending countless hours supporting each other and falling asleep together and helping one another get past their insecurities with love and respect. Its like CAN YOU EVEN BREATHE?

Everyone should know the liberation that accompanies spending the day with your one and only, your ride or die, that person looking back at you from the mirror. I don’t have to worry about showing up on time or saying the wrong thing, I’ve ALWAYS got my back, can your boyfriend say that?

Sure, you guys go to the movies, but HELLO so do I. Just turn around next time you see that box-office smash on those “date” nights. I don’t let big movie lobbyist tell me how to see MY movie. I’m there in my best outfit and winged eyeliner and I don’t even have to worry about popcorn because I am impressed by my healthy appetite, it mirrors my zest for life.

I don’t let my solidarity end at the box office, I take it with me to a candle-lit dinner at my favorite Bistro. I coyly order myself a cup of their finest red (I know whites give me headaches, I REALLY listen you know) and order for MYself, the petite filet, medium rare just how I like it. I see all the slaves of companionship around me, exchanging glances and sharing desserts.  I see them slowly suffocating as their individuality meshes with this counterpart who enjoys spending their hours just in their company. I see this all as I devour my single serving of bread pudding. The waiter will inform me that this is a large desert, but I scoff at his uncertainty and tackle that chocolate fucker like the strong female lead that I are.

With my appetite satiated I move on to my next assertion of independence, a little something to burn off that dinner, ifyaknowwhatImean. A few laps around that winter essential – a leisurely skate around a commercially frozen pond hand-in-hand with my own… well, hands. I whip past these amateurs weighed down by significant others. Let me tell ya, trapped in his warm embrace gets you there in twice the time, honey. Just look at me gliding across the glass like a goddamn American patriot who clings to no one as I prance on the ice in my magnificent solo.  I look on as these lovers blindly slide by unaware of the shackles chaining them to one another. I see the emperor’s bare ass and I know these saps subconsciously pine for that what I have. I giggle with superiority as I take my thirtieth lap and decided its time to walk myself home.


And then I masturbate and cry in the shower because I’m independent. 

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It is  totally not because I’m lonely.  

Your imaginary relationship with Shia LaBeouf from the Sia Video

After watching Sia’s latest video featuring Maddie Zeigler and Shia LaBeouf I began feeling things that I hadn’t felt since the Even Stevens Movie Premiered: a passionate love for Shia. Now that I have grown up and he is insane the love has matured. The following is an accurate description of things that would happen if you were in a relationship with modern day Shia LaBeouf.

1. You love him because he’s insane, but like the fixable crazy.

2. He would call you “doll” on the second date and you’d fall HARD.

3. He’d almost get into a fist fight with your dad and it’s totally his fault but you’d be like “DAD YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HIM” (But he’d never hit you and that’s the truth.)

4. He would accidentally slap you and it would genuinely hurt him more than it hurt you.

5. You would get in at least one fight because you wanted a “quickee” and he wanted to make love.

6. He’d break a glass in rage then immediately apologize because he didn’t mean to scare you…he loves you.

7. He goes to the gym but he likes you a little bit chubby…because it’s the real you.

8. He helps you get fit but you guys spend the whole time laughing. He’s never seen you look more beautiful.

9. He is genuinely sad he will never carry a child.

10. Shia wants a daughter because he thinks just being female is the most beautiful thing life can offer.

What I am saying is it is going to be a very unhealthy relationship.

The Biggest Questions of 2014

So here it is; our end of the year post. We tend to know everything but 2014 got me like whaatttt?
Here is everything left unresolved from the last 365.

Does Fleek apply to more than just eyebrows?

• Can I sing or am I just screaming when Chandelier comes on?
• Fuck, Do I like Taylor Swift again?
• Do you even know what the word patriarchy means?
• Do you accept Bitcoin?
• WHO HURT SAM SMITH?!
sam_smith
• Will you read our blog?
• Is Jezebel actually staffed with he man woman haters trying to make all women look like terrorists?
• Did Don Lemon just say that? 
• You thirsty, huh?
• So you don’t actually know what Ebola is?

not_today_ebola • IS THIS REALLY HOW MANY FOLLOWERS I HAVE?!
• Is it basic to call someone basic?
• What’s your HBOGo Login information?
• Are you hiring?
• Should America absorb Mexico?

step-2
• So we’re pretending we watch soccer for a few months?
• Or nah?
• Hey, will you Vine me doing the shmoney dance?
• Do you follow @scotchandfodder on Twitter? #shameless.
• WHO KILLED HAE?!

haeCheers to ya bitch ass, 2014.

Girls that say they only have guy friends are assholes: A fair and balanced look to my right

I have never been a very feminine lady. I love Star Trek, I watched wrestling well into high school, and I the only thing I hate more than the mall is the texture of bananas (for unrelated reasons). I don’t like drama or mean girls but at no point in my life have I felt it necessary to swear off the fairer sex.  Instead of strategically surrounding myself with male friends I have chosen to surround myself with anyone who I like, who is funny, and who won’t judge me when I full cry to a Criminal Minds episode I have seen multiple times. There is one type of person I will NOT allow into my inner circle and that is the girl that “doesn’t vibe with other girls.”  First and foremost, because I am 24 and that’s just nonsense. Second of all, because those people are invariably HUGE assholes.

These people say things like “ girls are catty” and, “girls are bitches”. (So says the down to earth girl that is making sweeping generalizations about their own sex.) On behalf of ladies everywhere- Thank god you don’t want to spend time around us. Instead, you want to go get drunk with your boys. You’re probably thinking “they like me because I don’t have drama.” You would much rather get drunk watching Die Hard than go see the newest Ryan Gosling movie. They probably LOVE having you around because you’re the kind of girl that thinks it’s funny to go to a strip club and would totally go lesbian for Olivia Munn. In truth, your boys probably only want you around so they can get a no strings handy once you guys are done watching Die Hard (Yippe Ki-Yay am I right ladiezz).

It does not make you down to earth or different because you avoid friendship with 51% of the population. It makes you a real life 90’s movie heroine. It makes you immature. Honestly, you’ve probably been described by all of your friends as unstable. That kind of behavior is acceptable in high school when everyone is desperate for attention. It actually IS really cool for a couple years to walk around proud that you’re closest group of friends are guys that are totally just like your brothers and other guys know not to mess with you because they are so protective. Once you get out of high school that fantasy dissipates for the normal person. Beyond the age of maybe 19 the vast majority of people make friends based on shared interests, proximity, and similar levels of poverty. Gone are the days of self segregation based on gender. Around 20 you start to split into more important groups: Trekkies and non-Trekkies, Fraiser fans and communists, people who have had Ramen and people who can afford fruit and vegetables. If you fail to see that distinction it is likely that one day you’re going to be the girl trying to break up fights between “her guys”  on Worldstar HipHop.

If you are still  the kind of person that makes a big deal of scouring the party looking to befriend the guys drinking beer and Four Roses so that you don’t have to make any lady friends then you’re missing out. And you’re a child. And finally, you’re an asshole.

Mazel tov.

The 10 worst things about Friend holidays

Thanksgiving just ended, Christmas is coming up, you’re heading back to whatever dumpster city you couldn’t wait to leave last year to see your family.  So you’ll see all your hometown friends to celebrate the holiday season. You’ll have everything from hard cider to cranberry sauce. Playing host, you will have literally everything you could want but a good time, and here is why:

  1. Scheduling a time everyone can meet is a lot harder than it was when you were 18.
  2. Okay guys everyone praise Rachel for bringing those cookies with frosting, it’s not like I had to restart the gravy six times.
  3. Several people will end up falling asleep in your bedrooms that won’t be able to drive home before the morning.
  4. Oh five of you want to go stand outside my house to share stories I’m not allowed to hear? Cool.
  5. Your roommate is drunk. Really drunk.
  6. 18 people are hovering over you in the kitchen.
  7. You suddenly realize you only have 3 chairs and a step ladder.
  8. The alcohol is gone and you don’t actually know how to entertain people without a television.
  9. The next day you’re going to find stains on your carpet, tablecloth, clothes , couch, sheets, car door, bathroom walls…

10. You’ll have to clean up. This is not funny now. It’s not meant to be and it won’t be funny then.

This is not an adorable list where everything is wrapped up at the end with something like “The worst part is that you have to wait another year to do it again!” That is very much not one of the worst things about friends holidays; it may be the best.  Your hometown friends are a bunch of dirty ANIMALS and they are a reminder that you are too.

….love you guys…..